My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
