Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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