McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
