Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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