i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
