I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
