I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
