i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
