Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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