Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
