just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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