Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
