What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
