you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
