I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Two words: nipple clamps
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