I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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