I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
