So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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