We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Congratulations! We have a period
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
