omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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