and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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