why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
