He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
