I'm going to jail i love you
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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