My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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