I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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