I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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