Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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