Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
