Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
