his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
