I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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