I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
