Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
