Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
