He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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