So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
