i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
