He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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