Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize