I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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