Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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