I can text with my tongue
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
