you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
