You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
