Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
