you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
