This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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