i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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