your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
