i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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