First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
