I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
