The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
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