so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
