I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
