my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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