Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
